Week 4 MKMMA...toughen up buttercup!

I'm late posting this blog because it was a difficult one for me to write, but here it is...

"The reason that some cannot do this (mentally let go of all adverse conditions, such as hatred, anger, worry, jealousy, envy, sorrow, trouble or disappointment of any kind) is because they allow themselves to be controlled by the emotions instead of by their intellect. But those who will be guided by the intellect will gain the victory."

As I've been working through the lessons, this one is the biggest challenge for me. The past 18 months have been the hardest in my life, though none of it has been a cakewalk. I used to be a super positive person, had an easier time of letting go of all of those things listed above, even in the difficult times...but the emotions are still raw and I'm not sure how exactly to fully let them go. I read other blogs of people on this journey and they're all about how great things are going for them and how amazing they feel in this course (even if they're overwhelmed with all of the work)...and I feel as if I'm an outlier at the moment, but hopefully this will help someone else, or at least help me work through this part to move forward in the course (and more importantly, in my life).

In June 2017 I fell from a ladder on the second day of my summer break from teaching...I took "take a break" too literally and had seven fractures and three dislocations in my lower back vertebrae and pelvis. I didn't have to have any surgeries or wear braces, but I was in the hospital for over two weeks, used a walker for another month, had to use an electric cart to do my shopping for quite awhile, and went to physical therapy until the end of the year when I stopped because I would have to start over on a new deductible. I'm still dealing with painful issues from that injury, especially in the soft tissue (muscles, tendons, ligaments, fascia, etc.) in that region of my body. The other weird after effect is that if I get startled (over something as small as working in the garage and the door opening unexpectedly when my husband returns from an errand), that "jump" reflex that most of us have includes for me electric shock type jolts from my core out toward my arms and sometimes even my legs. It's truly "shocking" and I feel depleted of energy for quite some time after. The after effects of that injury isn't the thing that is affecting me most right now, but it was the start of my mental funk.  There are many positives from that situation...most of them are the alternative scenarios that could've happened but didn't...as well as the potential for full recovery at some point. 

Two and a half years ago I was found by my half sister, who I'd been told about when I was a girl in school during a phone discussion with my father who lived across the country. We were excited to get to know each other, talked on the phone often, connected through FaceBook and had plans to meet...those were put on hold due to my injury as I couldn't sit (travel) for very long at a time. Last December, on the Monday of the last week of school before Christmas break, I received a phone call during school from my niece. (Unheard of, so I took her call.) She was in her car, driving from Kansas City to Columbia, MO to the hospital where my sister had been taken after an incident involving her and a moving vehicle. My sister passed away 5 days later, the last day of school before I began break. (Note: I was teaching Kindergarteners and had to keep it together all of those days of that last "festive" week before they were off for the holidays...talk about tough!) There is still an ongoing homicide investigation into the incident, though we have been told it probably won't come to charges...but we're still hopeful. The positives are that I have been able to meet and visit my sister's kids twice this year and we're building a strong relationship, as well as the fact that my sister was able to save three lives as an organ donor.

I'm a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and "put on your big girl panties" type of person. Life has challenges, we face them, deal with them, and move on. So I've mostly been doing that, and it was working for me...until it wasn't. Walking through the aisles of my local Hobby Lobby a couple weeks ago hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been dealing with it everywhere I go since...the Christmas decor! I knew the holidays would be tough, but didn't realize how tough. When I went to Kansas City in January for my sister's funeral, we stopped by her home to get some things my niece wanted to have for the funeral. The Christmas tree was still up. It didn't phase me at the time, but something about seeing the decorations in stores now is just hard. 

This course came at a good time because it's helping me learn to control myself mentally when I feel like so much is out of my control. A friend posted an open letter "to the woman who hasn't been herself lately" this past week that really hit home and helped give me hope for getting back to me, the real me...from my childhood like Mark speaks about. "You can rise up like a phoneix from the ashes and remember who you are. Remember your strength, resilience, and worth." She also tells readers to "look deep inside your soul and find your child self. You'll see that you haven't lost yourself."

So, I'm still looking and I know that with the assignments and insight gained from this course, I'll find her!